Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
