Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
