dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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