he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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