Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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