i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
