I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
