careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
