I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
