my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
