I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
two words: eviction party
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
