have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
