I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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