Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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