i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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