Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
