Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
