It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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