The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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