I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
