no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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