Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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