my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
