Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
