Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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