somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
