I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
