no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
