It's like a parade of train wrecks.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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