I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
