I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
