Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
