oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
