I cannot find my penis.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
