Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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