glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
