You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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