if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
