my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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