Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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