Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
