Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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