so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
