I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
