What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
