She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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