I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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