In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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