i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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