I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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