I just cut my nipple shaving
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
two words: eviction party
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
