im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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