i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
