I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think people are normalizing furries
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
