Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It was confusing and full of hummus
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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