Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
