On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
