Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
